I could not skip Woody Allen's new film and watched it with great pleasure. It seems that Woody has become milder and more romantic with the age. His sarcasm and irony have become smoother and this film was almost poetic, although still Allen-ish.

Here are moments from the film, which seemed striking to me.

The hero is absorbed with extreme admiration for Paris, but unfortunately he shares it with the wrong people. It seems that he is so very out of place and so misunderstood...

As a counter fact his fiancée adores her friends (married couple) almost as much as he adores Paris.

His fiancé, her parents and her friends are so...hmmm how to put it in exact words. Well they are people who prefer Californian wine, as opposed to French wine. It says it all, I guess.

The hero is drunk and alone, walking in Paris empty streets. What can be better? Only a trip to the past J

Shaking hands with Scot Fitzgerald, talking to Hemingway and Picasso, drinking with Dali... amazing how happy everyone ''back there is''. It's all about drink, laugh and music. It is peaceful place with no worries. That just illustrates hero's nostalgic idealization of the past.

Did the scenes from the present get on your nerves too? It seems that Woody managed to show the contrast between guy's feelings in the past and in the present and how unpleasant the present is to him. Guy's fiancée and others are distracting and annoying the viewer. We want to just get rid of them.

The scene when they go from the past to the past. I guess it shows that when real feelings, such as love, excitement, pleasure, passion, anticipation and others are there the time does not matter.

The sad fact that most of great men would like to go back to the past because they think that in the past people were better... Does it mean that regression, degradation and devaluation are permanent processes?

And the last question, which was turning in my head, was why? Why didn't he stay in the past, where he fitted better? There was nothing in the present which could possibly keep him – nothing worth coming back to. Don't tell me he was serious when he was telling about the antibiotics, which did not exist in the past J

There are times in life, when the fog disappears and you can see things better. The reality becomes more ''real'', your wishes and dreams re-visit you from the past and from somewhere the courage enters your life. Since the fog may come back pretty soon, this is the short period you should definitely take advantage of, since you never know when similar chance will re-appear again.

So, together with the reality, my inner voice, wishes and dreams as well as the courage for the nth time I made a decision for a drastic change. I filled in the resignation template and gave up pretty interesting job, which as appeared later many applied for, since they thought it was one of the ''the dream jobs'' of the company. Maybe it really was... but not for me anymore.

The day came, I handed over all the projects which I gave birth to and with a bitter sweet feeling left the office where I left hard work, impossible challenges, terrible speed, overtimes, tense atmosphere, annoying situations, always ringing cell phone, nice colleges and many unrecovered nerve cells. Many are sending their CVs to be able to do the same and to be in the shoes I have been for 2,5 years.

As to me, I am doing something totally different now. I follow my heart and do what I love – write. These days I am making my very first steps towards freelance writing and am going to tell you how it feels.

Here we go (I dedicate this to my x colleges, whom I wish patienceJ)

1. The workload is under my total control
2. I don't see and hear my boss. Guess what? I DON'T have a boss!!!
3. I can sleep in the mornings for as long as I want
4. I can work from wherever and whenever I want
5. My work depends on me only. The quality and the deadlines are under my personal control
6. I learn a lot with each order I complete. I grow!
7. I become much better writer with the time
8. Guess what? I actually get paid for each word I write
9. I do feel appreciated
10. It doesn't matter how I look and what I wear. I can work in my pajamas and sleepers, sipping coffee and listening to music
11. There is no need to go out in winter cold, I can stay home cozy and warm
12. Customer care is there 24/7 to provide with fast feedback and answer to your questions. Not something you will ever have in big offices with busy and nervous managers
13. Finally you find out why you studied in the past. Before your academic knowledge did not seem to matter that much
14. Nerve cells are safe and there is no stress
15. Amazing, but I can plan things in advance and as a result I am not in a hurry, I do not run and my deadline is not yesterdayy
16. I finally found time for myself (more time for the family, sport, reading, films, cooking, creative writing, etc J)
17. Now I can meet people I want to see and avoid the ones I don't
18. I may switch off my cellphone whenever I want. Actually I may not switch it on at all if I choose to
19. I can eat whenever I choose and don't have to wait for the lunchtime
20. It seems that my familty feels happier now

If I ever decide to work full time again I will make sure that what they offer is worth giving up all the above...

But, it may not be a stable income in the beginning, so if not my second half, maybe courage would not be enough to resign!

I was thinking about the past New Years and few came up to mind, since they have somehow impressed me moer than the rest.

Here they are:

1984

Mum, aunt and grandma are in the kitchen since the morning. They boil, fry, chop and bake... The speed and quantity of the manu items are amazing. Dad and aunt's husband are called to the kitchen at some point in order to slice the ham and basturma. ''Thiner, thiner!'' I hear womens' instructions.

Meanwhile grandpa is watching TV and I am running around the appartment anticipating Santa's visit, since the food is not a seduction at that age yet.

The evening comes, we all sit at the table, enjoy the meal, watch TV and I go to bed knowing that Santa will leave his preasant under my pillow.

1985

Part of the magic is gone. Few month ago a friend told that there is no Santa and the presents are from our parents. I was extremely dissappointed... It is so difficult to give up favourite illusion. To think only, my ''special Santa gifts'' were things bought by parents in ordinary shops...

So this New Year was more less the same as the previous one, but with less magic and anticipation. I did not realize it first, but by that small dissappointment I was starting to grow up.

1995

I am the Armenian embassy in Brussels. The whole staff with their families are celebrating together there. As always I am sent to the floor where the children are - to babysit. Somehow by default that is the way it is... I am irritated, I don't like kids, I am bored and annoyed...

At some point the phsychological pressure reaches its highest level and I fall into hysterical condition. Afront of everyone I cry, shout, accuse my mum and ... get the sympathy of the whole staff ...

1998

I am invited at friend's house. It is a very big nice house with a garden. The croud is very diverse, from our uni friends, to her older professional contacts and some art people. I am there early to help out prepare cavier canapes and the punch. She has the best finnish vodka frozen in the fridge.

Basically we ate much less than we drank. Had a big firework in the garden and set a nice bush on fire. Firefighted a bit. Sat and made jokes which all were funny since we were drunk. Went home.

In general all was nice, but somehow I felt so out of place. My empty and dark room seemed a better place.

1999

I was alone with another lonely friend from Armenia in Brussels. All friends were away and we had absolutely no plans and no mood for the New Year. I am at her campus, where there is student party. We do not know anyone there but gatecrash it. Spent few minutes only watching strangers dance, drink beer and puke.

We are out in the park, sitting on a bench. It is freezing cold, stars are shining in the sky. We both are silent, making wishes in our minds.

When we no longer feel our hands and feet we go to the room, make a sad sigh and go to sleep.

***

People say that how the upcoming year will be depends on how you celebrate it. Recalling the above New Years I can definitely tell that it is not true.

How the year will be depends only on you, your decision, actions, goals and dreams. And it does not matter where you are, with whom and how you feel on New Years eve, what matters is what do you choose – to be happy next year or not.

I choose happiness and no one can take it away from me !

I always loved Woody Allen. At first it was based on the main fact that he was different, but after Vicky Christina Barcelone it is also based on the fact that he is deep. It was amazing how on the surface with very simple and easy scenes he was touching deep and phylosophical topics.

This is a move, which may be viewed in 2 different manner, depending on who you are or what mood u r at.

Here are some observations, which brought the thoughts below:

Quote:

Ted: Here in Barcelona, everything was swept aside. The world was turned upside down and stayed there.

Fred: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the world was upside down before, and now its right side up?

It seems that from time to time you have to step aside and try to re-evaluate your coordinates, where you stand, who you are and many other things… Not always you will like what you will realize, but it is better to know things than wrapping yourself with the fake illusions through which at some point you will not be able to see the reality anymore.

Observation: Vicky’s and Cristina’s clothes

They both wore American style clothes with a priority of comfort being above style and taste even when they went for dates.

Quote:

Only unfulfilled love can be romantic

Maybe being in love is a transitional period and love needs to be unfulfilled, so the couple does not reach the finish… Or maybe it is not true at all and love is good in all its forms… who knows?

Quote:

He had this hot divorce and she tried to kill him

Living with hot tempered people has its price… But on the other hand you will never get bored, which takes us to the point below:

Observation: Vicky’s guy

The guy was good, there was nothing negative in him…but he seemed so disgustingly dull… and their relationship was sooo EMPTY!!! And the saddest thing is that this is how normal relationships of normal people in this world are…

Quote:

Maria Elena: You're still searching for me in every woman.
Juan Antonio: That is not true, Maria Elena. I was in Oviedo some weeks ago with a woman who was the antithesis of you. An American, and something beautiful happened with her. So you're mistaken.
Maria Elena: You'll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it.

When you are looking for someone specific in someone else all you will find is bitter disappointment from the fact that what you had and lost was unique. And in case you find what you were looking for you will get the bitter disappointment from the fact that what you had lost was not as unique as you thought it was.

Observation: Barcelona

After all, putting aside the film… how beautiful, warm, sexy, nice, attractive, intimate, passionate and perfect Barcelona is!!!

Birth

Previous day was choking by the news of one death, while the next morning brought the news of a birth… Strange but life goes on the way it has always done since it was created, nothing changes and nothing will. There is always someone crying and someone laughing – both at the same time, but hopefully in different places…

Protest

The square, which has seen blood on it’s asphalt has also felt the weight of thousands pairs of feet… Depending on the day – feet have been dancing, running, standing… its owners have been from the opposition, from the mass liking cheap Armenian “star”’s music and from the police, whom I do not feel like describing…

The opposition was on the square since yesterday, which is maybe the reason why they behaved so inadequate!

Northern avenue

Next to the mad square there was an avenue of expensive shops, which with its existence was trying to prove the opposition on the square that everything was much better than they thought… And maybe they were right, since although there were incomparably more expensive than their clones in Europe, people still paid money and went out with shopping bags. I guess they are ready to overpay for illusions and the chance of bypassing a shuttered dream.

The white dress

My taxi was taking me back home and I was looking out of the window tired and numb inside. That was when I saw a perfectly white summer dress lying on the tree… not on the branch, but on the tree itself. Maybe it has been someone’s favorite dress. Now it looked terribly lonely, although maybe just few hours ago it had a big company back in it’s wardrobe!

The Roller Blader

My taxi was halfway there when I noticed the famous roller blader expat grandpa known in the whole city. I had never seen him walking before but today he was. He was walking fast together with a young guy, who was trying to keep up with his pace. The Blader had big earphones, which made me think that although he was not walking alone, it did not make difference since taking into consideration the size of the earphones, those two were not going to have a conversation.

Home, sweet home

I turned the key, opened the door and came in. Our home felt so indifferent to everything and so empty. I looked around and thought that maybe only indifferent and empty people have a change of being completely happy. Although, on the other hand, if I come in turn on the light and make some noise, the apartment will no longer be indifferent and empty. But those people, will always stay the way they are – “completely happy”, but indifferent to everything and empty !

We’ve already shared the pain

Waiting for changes

To wash the sorrow like the rain

We both have the same shattered dreams

And we hang on to the same hopes

While asleep hold my hand, please

And in the morning unlock my ropes

Pieces of feelings

Are still hurting deep inside

Our deepest fears

Are still floating in my mind

Stay close and don’t let me go

Because the fate has decided so

Can’t get closer

We’ve already shared the pain

Pieces of feelings

Will be piercing just the same….

The Past

The “past” stays behind and lets you go away. It’s the perfect break-up partner, who does not argue and simply lets you go with no offence, no insults and no accusations. You keep moving forward and with the time past becomes a vague memory of things which happened to you, but not really to you. At least so much time has passed that the” you” from the past is no more the “you” of the present.

Amazing how memories may be strong though… Sometimes you may physically feel things by thinking of different events, which happened to you 16, 12, 10… years ago. And the best part of it all is that the memories are only yours and no matter if you share them with others or not, no one will feel about them the same way you do.

Everything stays behind and only the memories stay…memories, which are part of you and part of those people who have those memories. But even the people who share the same memories with you feel differently about them…

The Present

They say it is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present…

Maybe, but not for me…at least most of the time - not.

For me the “present” is something in between the” past” and the” future”. Something not complete… It is a period when the “past” is gone and memories are periodically visiting you there. It is also a period full of anticipations and hope for the “future”. Most of the time in the “present” I recall the things from the” past” and hope for the things in the “future”.

So what stays from the present? Nothing. Maybe only the memories, which will be visiting you as soon as the” present” becomes the” past”. That means that in the “present” we have to live so that we create as many significant memories as possible.

The Future

The “future” is something wrapped with hopes, plans and surprises. You never know what kind of future you will get. No matter how “right” or “wrong” you behave in the past and in the “present” you will never have any guarantees for the future.

Future is never predictable and that is the most attractive part of it. People long for the future, because they hope to find there everything they did not get in the past and in the present. It is yet another chance for things you did not get, achieve and manage before.

The “future” in its turn will become present and past with the time. It will also stay behind you at some point. And it will also become a memory after a while.

The End

You are living your life by creating memories from the “past”, the “present” and the “future”. There will come a stage when you will not have time definitions anymore.

That will be the stage, when you will no longer wait for the “future” or plan upcoming days. There will be days when you will no longer worry about what will come next and spend your days with your memories, which have been cumulated during your life, created by you and will be staying with you till the end.

So the best thing will be to live a life which will become bunch of memories you would like to spend some time with at the end J