|Հարցազրույց Քաղաքական զարգացումների հետազոտական կենտրոնի նախագահ, քաղաքագետ Վահան Դիլանյանի հետ:
- Արդեն տեւական ժամանակ է, ինչ հայ-թուրքական սահմանի բացումն օրակարգային հարց է դարձել: Սակայն վերջին օրերին փորձագետների շրջանում ավելի են ակտիվացել հոռետեսական մոտեցումներն այդ ուղղությամբ, համաձայն որոնց՝ սահմանի բացումն անիրագործելի է: Ըստ Ձեզ, այսօրինակ մեկնաբանությունները հիմքեր ունե՞ն, թե՞ ոչ:
- Անշուշտ, յուրաքանչյուր մեկնաբանություն ունի հիմք: Թուրքական կողմում դրանք պայմանավորված են մի քանի գործոններով՝ (more…)
In between her inner and outer selves there is a small cute contradiction, which nags her all the time. Just like the small kid, who twists you and calls “mum” 1000 times, if needed.
The small cute contradiction has been living with her since 10 years already. At first she did not notice her, but later her demanding “mum’s became so loud that there was no way to ignore, forget or just leave. At first it irritated her. They were fighting all the time and sometimes when the contradiction was becoming unbearable she was slapping her cheek. And what made her even madder, the contradiction only smiled at her after that.
The Fate had made fun of her. She had plans, she knew what she wanted and she knew what to do in order to get what she wants. Then the Fate interfiered and they started playing an unfair game. She was making different steps towards her dreams and affront of each step the Fate was putting a high barer. One by one she was climbing the barrier, jumping it down from the other side only to see the next barer to climb.
When fate saw that barriers may not help, it started another strategy. Fate mixed her up from within. Then Fate made its hardest blow. It made her go back to her roots, which had become foreign to her long ago and made her live in a place, where everything was against her major life principals, a place which was so far away from her dreams.
With each year she was getting older, her dreams further and her goals uncertain.
She felt like a flower, which was put in a pot too small for it, in a place where the light was not enough and given to someone, who watered it only when it looked almost dead.
She, like the flower tried hard not to get too big, in order to fit somehow in the pot and was turning its head to the window in order to get at least a bit of sun. As to the water, which in her case was her inner peace, she couldn’t do much. It was never sufficient.
Then, at some point, the fight with the Fate stopped because she gave up and started following its rules. She almost became ordinary even… Fortunately almost. And as a result of the small but certain “almost” that small cute contradiction was born.
When some time passed and she realized that the contradiction wasn’t such a bad thing after all, she started realizing its importance and its role in her life.
After all that contradiction was the slight hope and the narrow sunray cracking the dark. It was what was left from her dreams and plans.
And as long as that contradiction existed, she knew that she was almost ordinary and her dreams were almost dead.
As far as it wasn’t final, she still could play with the Fate, talk to the Contradiction and stay pregnant with hope!
Episode 4 – The “famous” admirer
She was sitting in the bus with a book on her lap, hanging her head over it. Usually she tried to read the book in its original version if she knew the language. This was the first time, she broke the rule. She was reading Dostoyevskey’s “Idiot” in English. Not that it bothered her much, since both Russian and English were foreign to her and she knew both well, but still she felt a bit guilty.
Anyway, she was swimming in Russian classics when someone touched her shoulder. She raised her head and looked with disbelief at the man, who was sitting affront of her. The man looked EXACTLY like Gerard Depardieu… it took her few seconds to realize that such a big star would not take a bus.
- Hallo, you look so beautiful, I could not my eyes off you – told the man in French
She immediately used the trick she usually used in similar cases
- I’m sorry I don’t speak French – she said, and could not help but smile. The man looked so much like Gerard that she couldn’t just ignore the fact.
- Oh, I see and where are you from?
Ok, here we go again
- I’m from Armenia – usually that statement chased most of the people away, because they did not know where it is, what it is and was it good or bad. So to be on the safe side they simply stopped the conversation at that stage.
But this time it did not work.
Man’s eyes sparkled, he smiled and told that he is archeologist and he has been to excavation in Armenia. She was amazed… to think only!
Meanwhile the guy who was sitting next to her and the elder woman who was sitting next to him got interested in the conversation and were looking at them with half-smile.
- Look, let’s get out, go somewhere and continue our wonderful meeting – the man was smiling all the time, looking straight into her eyes and taking her hands into his. She was breaking free her hands and squeezing her poor “Dostoyewsky” in nervous grasp.
- I’m sorry, but I can’t. I have classes – Shit! She caught this extreme politeness from Europeans and couldn’t get rid of it even if needed.
- C’mon. I will never forgive myself for letting you go! I finally met my ideal woman! – he was almost shouting and almost the whole bus was already looking at them by then.
She felt embarrassed and confused at the same time. She was embarrassed to attract attention of the whole bus in such manner. She was confused, because when in romantic movies she was hearing something similar she wished it was told to her…now it’s told to her and it doesn’t seem romantic at all!
After few minutes of unproductive conversation he stood up affront of her and told
- Ok, this is the last argument I have dear! You really turn me on, look! – He looked down and showed where exactly she had to look.
With no second thought she placed her look and saw that he had a hard on and what was terrible, she thought not only she saw that.
Her jaw almost dropped and she was so shocked that she did not know what to say. She only said “No” by shaking her head and squeezing her poor book.
When he saw he can’t do much, he apologized.
- I’m sorry. But in any case I just want you to know that I will never forget you.
Those were his last words before he turned around and went to the front door of the bus to get out on the next stop. There were two bus doors, one in front and one in the behind of the bus. She was sitting in between those two.
The whole bus followed “Gerard” to the door and all were looking at him with mixed feelings. She, in her turn, sighed in relief.
The bus stopped, the man got out and she finally relaxed. It took few seconds though…
“Gerard” left the bus from the front door and turning around ran to the other door and got back to the bus from the other door and moved close to her from behind.
The passengers were enjoying the show and couldn’t keep their laughter anymore. She was furious and amazed at the same time.
- I just thought that maybe you changed your mind. And if that was the case, I wanted to use the chance – he kept smiling and loved his role of the romantic good guy, who entertained the passengers.
- Look, I appreciate all this and partly you made my day, I can’t deny it, but please stop it! – she couldn’t get rid after that European politeness, after all.
- Ok, but no matter what you say, I have to do this at least – the man’s face moved down and he gently kissed her cheek.
Then he immediately became serious and went back to the front doors again. In few seconds the bus stopped, he threw a kiss to her and went out.
Passengers kept looking at her until her stop came and she left the bus.
She doesn’t know what they thought, but she was definitely impressed
Episode 3 – Saved by the bus
There is law stating that if a car parks on a bus stop, then the bus has the legal right to come and hit the car and if that happens the car insurance will not cover the damage. The first time she heard about it she smiled to herself thinking why someone would park a car on a bus stop. Few months later that law saved her and here is how.
Her last class finished at 9:00 P.M. and she went out and appeared in a desert street. Buses were ALWAYS on time and she knew that there were still 5 minutes till the bus comes. So she went to the ATM machine next to the bus stop and withdrew some cash. Then she went to the bus stop and had more than 2 minutes to wait. Since she spent a long time sitting, she decided to stand and wait.
She was swimming in her thoughts when a red expensive car came and parked affront of her straight on the bus stop with annoying sound of sharply pushed breaks. She almost jumped up. Car’s windows slided down and she saw several Arab looking guys.
They looked out and started calling her to join their ride. She ignored them, looking back at the street and realizing that even if the need comes to shout, no one would hear her anyway. She was scared but at the same time knew that at all costs she should disguise her fear.
Guys went on with the shouts, vulgar remarks and unpleasant movements of their disgusting tongues hanging out of their mouths. They did not plan to give up and wanted her in their car. She panicked inside, when she realized that no one was waiting her at home and if something happens, people will find out about it too late probably.
One of the guys left the car and came to her, planning to push her inside by force. She was too thin and knew in advance that she couldn’t do much.
The guy almost touched her, when she heard the saving sound of the arriving bus, which was determined to stop exactly where the red car was and signaling demanded its place to be emptied.
She sighed in relief, the Arab guy ran back to the car and as soon as he was inside the car left. Just few seconds before the bus was on its place.
She was ready to get in and kiss the driver. When she climbed the bus her and the drivers eyes met and they smiled at each other… just like everybody always did in that country.
She was full of contradictions and unexpected twists. She was studying in expensive, private university, but was barely covering monthly expenses with what her parents managed to send her. She was extremely sexy, but did not know about it. She represented a nation, which manically attached to its traditions and roots, but she felt no roots and was truly cosmopolite. Most of her best friends were guys, but when it came to romantic relationships, she had no clue what guys were about.
She was living in friend’s empty house, which was in the most expensive area and where thepublic transport did not drive, but she had no car. That is why she was waking up 2 hours before her classes started and her way to uni took almost an hour. But that had no impact on her mood. She was waking up with the alarm, turning on the music, putting on the cloths, singing and dancing at the same time.
She had her breakfast and rushed out. The walk to the bus station took from 15 to 20 minutes, depending weather she wore high heels or walking shoes. On her way she met only expensive cars and smiling garbage man in bright yellow uniform. Garbage men were smiling and shouting “Bonjour mademoiselle!”, and she was smiling back. Most probably they too were glad to see a human being just as she did. Then she waited for the bus, which always came empty since this was the first stop (or the last, depending from which direction you look).
The bus was taking the longest possible route, passing parks, Moroccan areas, churches and even one jail. Every time she passed the biggest jail of the city she wondered who were inside, what their cameras looked like and who are waiting for them outside those high walls.
On first days she watched the streets and was amazed to find so many different places in one city. She also admired drivers who drove on extremely narrow streets, their neat appearance and smiley faces.
Later, when she had observed everything in the 40 minute drive and knew the way by heart, she started taking books to read in the bus. The books were different but all of them took her somewhere else and made those 40 minutes seems much less.
Many different incidents happened in those 4 months of driving back and forth in the bus. Some are long forgotten, but some somehow staid with her for years. The strangest thing is that all of them happened in the evening, when it was almost or already dark and she was on her way back. Maybe in the morning people were still sleepy, or something… or maybe she was sleepy herself, because nothing from her morning drives was recalled later. So here we go:
Episode 1 – The good guy and the bad guys
It was 10:00 P.M. and she was going back home after her major class and a glass of beer with her friends and Finance professor. In the bus there was a thin young guy with glasses and her. She was swimming in her thoughts and looking out of the window. The guy was quite too, looked tired and empty. At least that’s what she thought when she looked at him.
On the next stop three Moroccan guys came in and sat close to the guy, though the bus was empty. She realized that it was a bad sign and became tense. If they shift their attention she may be in trouble.
Moroccans started laughing and talking loud, which was ok because that’s what most of them did in the public transport. But that was the beginning only. Then they started asking questions to the guy, who looked scared and tried to be polite. She was looking at the scene and thought that if that happened in her country, the modest guy would minimum curse them, but it’s back there, here people were too polite to go against such pricks. They mostly smile back. Then Moroccans started pushing the guy and telling different F… category words following with loud laughter. The guy only smiled back.
She felt how everything was boiling inside her and she was hoping that the guy will finally awake his masculine nature… but in vain. The guy was helpless and Moroccans only enjoyed it more. She was thinking how sheepish this civilized Europeans were… they let this guys into their country, pay then different kind of financial aids and let them climb on their heads. And although the guy himself was not guilty, he was the victim of unfiltered emigration policies.
She debated with her inner self to interfere or not and she is too ashamed to admit that she got scared. She was very thin 19 year-old alone in a bus, in the dark, in foreign country and no one was waiting for her at home. She realizes that all that is not a decent excuse, but she did nothing…she only sighed with relief when finally after few bus stops Moroccan assholes left.
Maybe she still feels guilty, or maybe there is some other reason she doesn’t know about but sometimes she still recalls the scene.
Episode 2 – The lost chance to become a model
She took out the book from her big bag and started reading. The bus was almost full. On the second stop a nice looking guy came in and sat next to her. Although she did not stop reading, she could sense his look on her face. The look lasted a long time and she decided to raise her face and look back to see what’s going on.
Their eyes met and as always when it happens in that city they smiled. It did not mean anything. Simply it was a minimal sign of politeness to smile to the pair of eyes, which looked into your pairs of eyes. The pairs of eyes could belong to someone of the opposite sex, same sex, elder person a child… it didn’t matter. At the end of the day everyone had a decent baggage of different smiles, which made the day brighter. Perfect habit, which she loved. It represented a big contrast from her city, where people’s looks were sad and they looked as if you took money from then and did not return.
Oh I drifted away, I guess. So their eyes met and they smiled. She noticed for the second time that he was a good looking guy. He had latino looks and sparkling eyes.
He spoke first. It was French, but with Spanish accent. He was asking for her name. She told and heard his name in return. It appeared that he was a hairdresser, who was opening his private salon and since he found her face to be perfect for his salon’s image he was offering her to agree and pose for his salon’s advertising billboards. They would do different haircuts and shoot her.She would be hanged in different parts of the city.
She was surprised to hear all that and knowing the Spanish guys a bit wasn’t sure that all was exactly the way he explained. Besides, she did not see herself as a model, because she thought that they were mainly stupid.
Maybe that’s how some famous models started their career and maybe if she said yes her life would take completely different twist, but she said no. The guy tried for few more bus stops, then left his business card knowing that she will never call and left.
She looked at the card, smiled to herself, thought why her culture rose her too cautious and modest and let the bus take her home. That’s how she lost the chance of becoming a model or at least having a fling with a Spanish guy!
To be continued….
My Empty Space
Sometimes I get periods
When I am empty inside
And when it becomes too serious
I fill up my soul and mind
I fill it with the sun in the sky
And breath the fresh air of springtime
I fill it with hope, dreams and fire
With love, passion and the original crime
I hear the birds singing
And feel alive
My mind starts thinking
And I pick up the knife
It cuts out the anger, the sigh and the rage
And only leaves the warm feelings instead
With each coming day I’m turning a page
And get a bit closer to what waits ahead
But still, I cherish the emptiness inside
Because it leaves a space for new chances to fill it up
It is a place for some things to hide
And I don’t think I’ll ever give it up
It seems like my poems
Are my deerest friends
They are the places
Where my tired soul lands
I write up my mind
And create the lines
Some of them are kind
Others not so nice
Fighting with the time
And it’s strong impact
I don’t see a crime
In exaggerating facts
Whatever I write and create
Reflects me and my inner self
With each story I write up my fate
I guess writing is a fate itself